


Start small

by Serinah



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: After CW, Crying, Dom Tony Stark, Impact Play, M/M, PWP, S/D, Steve Rogers Feels, Sub Steve Rogers, Tickling, Tony Feels, Unresolved Emotional Tension, but lots of emotions, dammit, fluffy last chapter, not fluffy, reads like hatesex, that are unrelated to kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-02-22 17:01:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22452955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serinah/pseuds/Serinah
Summary: Steve wants Tony to hurt him, Tony wants to give Steve what he wants. Steve is desperate for trust, Tony needs love. Will either of them get what they want?
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 71
Kudos: 103





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Loran_Arameri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loran_Arameri/gifts).



> Loran, as far as I know, this is nothing that you especially like, but I thought that since you are such a lovely person and have so little time to discord with us these days, I'd just write you something. And I'm dreadfully failing with the timetravel story, so have this snippet instead? *sheepish smile*  
> I hope it's not too boring.

Tony had no idea how they got from  _ that _ to  _ this. _ Tony grabbed Steve’s hair with both hands as he pushed his cock further in, going for deeper and faster. Steve’s fingers were bruising Tony’s hips and the pain was good. It grounded Tony.

“Hold… still,” he gasped, panting.

He knew what a supersoldier could take. How rough he could be but it didn’t feel safe. It wasn’t safe, Steve should safe word…

With a grunt, Tony pulled out to let Steve breathe. They’d never established any safewords, he realized. They’d never done any proper scening before. Tony had no idea what Steve’s limits actually were, he had no idea if Steve would even like subbing properly. Shit, he shouldn’t have-

Steve made a wounded noise and putting his arms around Tony’s waist, pulled him back, hiding his face into Tony’s stomach. He was shaking and mumbling something and Tony’s heart squeezed painfully.

“What?” he whispered, as he realized that Steve was crying. “Steve?”

“Sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Steve kept whispering into Tony’s shirt and Tony’s fingers found his hair again, but to pet and soothe this time, not hurt.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said again, his voice wet with tears and a snotty nose and Tony was shaking.

“I know,” he said because he could never say no when Steve asked. "I know." Not if he really asked for something. But the truth was that he had no idea what Steve sorry for. Maybe for crying?

Predictably, it didn’t take long before Steve composed himself, let go and stood up.

“Sorry, about that,” he said quietly.

“No problem,” Tony responded automatically. “Sorry about…” He waved his hand between Steve’s face and Tony's crotch, suddenly noticing that his zipper was still down. He started tucking himself in quickly.

“No, it’s…” Steve’s blotchy face flushed crimson all over. “I liked that part.”

Tony swallowed. “Well… That’s the part always worked between us.”

Steve let out a surprised bark of laughter. He rubbed his face between his hands. “Yeah.”

There was a brief silence and Tony thought that this was it. A peaceful good-bye he’d wished for initially. A clean break. A shouting match, an aborted fuck and a vague sorry.

One more failed relationship. Fantastic.

His heart didn’t even ache anymore. It was just one big black hole of a snake pit. Hurt and anger. Tony mentally covered it with the man-hole lid and figured that if he was lucky, he’d not have to lift it anytime soon.

“Okay, I'll just go-” he started, just as Steve said, “You want help with that?”

Tony blinked. "You mean…?"

"Why don't I finish you off?"

Tony swallowed.

"Yeah. Okay."

They didn't resolve anything that night but at least they both got off.

Life goals. Start small. Yeah.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, I'm doing a short form now. Who knew I could??? :eyes:

Tony was angry. He was hurt and angry and Steve was the same. He’d apologized but not  _ apologized _ and Tony had no idea what to even apologize for. And now Steve was saying…

“Come again?”

“That’s something I learned this past year. It’s something Natasha told me: staying together is more important than how we stay together.”

Tony frowned. “Well, that’s what I said, isn’t it?” He shook his head. “Why is it that you never listen to me but you listen to other people?”

“I didn’t listen to Nat either.”

Tony’s lips twitched into a scowl but straightened. “Right.” He still wasn’t getting it. “So what’s your idea exactly?”

“Trust exercises. No listen, it’s not what you’re thinking I don’t mean…” he took a step closer and put his hand on Tony’s upper arm. “Listen, Tony, just listen. I don’t mean the team nor do I mean going to a counselor or a couple therapy-”

“We’re not-”

“Not a couple, yeah, I get it, Tony, but listen…”

Steve trailed off, looked away. His face was full of indecision but then he swallowed, steeled himself and looking Tony square in the eye, said, “I want to have a scene with you.”

“A scene?” Tony waited for a second, but no explanation was forthcoming. “What do you mean by a scene?”

“A scene as… Sex, Tony. I mean you dom, I sub. I trust you, Tony. You said it yourself - this is the part that’s always worked between us. We can try out a scene where I show you that I trust you and you…” He sighed. “Hopefully you’ll learn to trust me too.”

Tony wasn’t listening.

His brain was glitching on the idea of Steve subbing for him. How did Steve even know that word?

“Come again?”

“You heard me,” Steve said with a forced patience. He stared at Tony resolutely, as if going to battle and that had always looked rather angry on him.

Tony stared back. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Maybe. But you’re going to do it anyway.”

Tony closed his eyes. “Jesus, Steve.”


	3. Chapter 3

So here Tony was, only wanting to do one thing: to grab, to hurt, to possess.

“Don't even think of touching yourself,” Tony growled but instinctively, he knew that Steve wouldn't. Maybe he didn't even want to.

Tony landed three more smacks on the same butt cheek, then seven on the right and one on the left again. Then he just reached down between Steve’s legs to grab his balls, squeezing them.

Steve bit off on something high-pitched and tried pulling away in instinct but Tony held firm.

Tony’s cock was rock-hard, but there were still a couple of active brain cells in his nogging, thank fuck. 

“Okay, turn around and grab the headboard.” He sat back to allow Steve room to move and quickly removed his clothes. “You good there?” He grinned.

Steve’s pupils were dilated and his cock was leaking. Tony slid his hands over Steve’s abs, pecs and then stopped, holding on to the strong shoulders.

“I’m thinking of slapping you.”

Steve’s breath hitched.

“You can take it,” Tony whispered hoarsely. “A big boy like you.”

Momentarily cringing at how mocking his voice sounded he was ready to apologize, but going by the reaction he was seeing, everything was good. “Already panting for it, aren’t you?”

He grabbed Steve’s face and got a moan for a reply. Grinning, Tony turned his face from side to side as if to inspect it.

“Not much of a talker, are you?”

Something approximating to a grin passed the beautiful man’s face and Tony’s stomach swooped. Almost as if of its own volition, his hand rose and landed on the chiseled cheek in front of him. The red splotch looked lonely on the one side, but the blue eyes flared brightly in a weird shadow of satisfaction and Tony quickly helped the situation along by slapping his other cheek.

Steve’s skin was blotchy red and he was panting.

Tony stared.

Bad idea. Very bad.

But Tony did it anyway: he leaned down and kissed Steve.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The BEST beta in the world: synteis!  
> Thank you so much!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Tony couldn’t believe they were doing a role-play. Why did he agree again? Then he glanced down at how Steve looked in those random green fatigues and yeah… He swallowed.

“Agent Stevens,” he said and tried to imagine himself into a Dr. Potts who did not care that much for the man he was going to fuck very soon. “What do you think you are doing? Your job is to stay still and take it, why are you moving?”

His torso naked, his pants down around his ankles, Steve was bent over Tony’s desk, gripping the edge and straining backward towards Tony’s crotch.

“Sorry, sir.”

A shiver ran down Tony’s spine. “Doctor,” he corrected, breathless.

“Sorry, Doctor,” Steve parroted mockingly.

The strong wide muscle on his bottom was too inviting. What if Steve didn’t like to be spanked? He slid his palms up and down Steve’s ass; squeezed it. Well, there was only one way to find out. Tony bent over his form, almost touching but not really, and leaning toward Steve’s face, whispered into his ear, “Be a good boy for me, yeah?”

Steve’s breath hitched.

Next, Tony’s hands were everywhere on Steve’s flesh he could comfortably reach; touching, pinching, pushing, tearing at his hair and Steve just stayed there. The desk creaked.

Tony unzipped and Steve shuddered visibly.

“Tony,” he whispered in anticipation. Or just arousal or… Tony had no idea.

“That’s Dr. Potts for you, Agent.”

He slapped Steve’s ass cheek. Steve moaned again and Tony repeated.

“Fuck, Stevens… Look so good like this, your regulation pants around your ankles, your bottom so red.”

He slapped him again.

Rained a torrent of smacks on the ass and thighs until his hand was aching. “Shit I should…” He didn’t have anything to hit Steve with. “Damn,” he muttered. “Wait.”

He crouched down and started pulling the belt out of Steve’s fatigue pants.

“What are you…?”

“Shush, Agent. I’m working. Your job is to do as you’re told.” He stood up with the wide canvas belt in his hand. “You want the buckle or the other end, Agent?”

Steve shuddered.

“Doc..” Steve pressed back and Tony’s naked cock was just near enough for the contact.

“God, you’ll be the death of me, Stevens.” He stepped back and hit Steve with the soft end of the belt, but it definitely had too little bite. “Shit.” He folded the belt twice and tried again.

Steve grunted but probably more because of surprise.

Tony tried again. Harder, and one more time; it felt fantastic to let go like this. Before each strike, Steve held himself rigid, then relaxed; again and repeat. Bit by bit his pretty backside started coloring up in a pattern of welts and to Tony’s surprise, after a while, Steve’s body stopped tightening up altogether as if giving himself up to the pain completely. Hitting the significantly harder plains of his back made Tony himself grunt and he had to change hands. The belt wasn’t leather, but if Tony hit a certain way, the end wrapped around Steve’s side and it looked beautiful. Tony wondered if he could reach his nipple like that.

He could.

Systematically, putting one welt next to another was exhausting physically but mentally he felt refreshed. Strangely, it felt like teamwork; Steve and him. One dishing it out, the other one taking it. Tony went up on the right side and down the left. Changed his hands again.

What had started as an odd grunt, had now become regular as if he needed it to cope with pain. His cock was leaking and Tony was hard.

“Shit, Stevens,” Tony started but he had no idea how to even go on. “Shit.”

“You… trust me yet, Dr. Potts?”

“Fuck you,” Tony grunted.

The tender skin just under Steve’s buttocks looked so inviting that Tony couldn’t help but try out the precision smack... just… there...

Steve moaned.

Tony continued working his thighs.

“Open up,” he ordered and nudged Steve’s thighs wider apart with the belt. “Wider.”

Steve obeyed and when Tony hit him on the inner side of his thighs, almost touching his balls, Steve whimpered.

God.

Steve.

Like a man possessed, Tony couldn’t stop. Seven, eight, nine, ten. He changed hands.

“Potts,” Steve uttered breathlessly. “Please.”

Needing to feel Steve’s heated skin again, Tony dropped the belt and smacked both ass cheeks at the same time. Steve cut off a yelp. Tony pinched the worst of the welts and Steve whined.

“To-” he started to say but Tony slapped his balls.

“What was that?” He growled through Steve’s almost squeal. “What were you about to say, boy?”

“Sir! I was about to say, ‘please sir!’” Steve lied as boldly as he ever had when the occasion called for it.

Tony barked out a laugh. “Sure, you were, you little weasel.” He was already trying to catch his breath and Steve was not even close to the breaking point yet. “There’s only one way to punish you now, isn’t there?” he asked cruelly.

“Yes, sir. I trust you.”

Tony startled.

“Low blow, R-Stevens,” he said, grimacing.

He bent down and with a grunt, picked up the belt. “Not gonna fuck you. Not yet.” He wrapped the middle of the belt around his palm and tried swinging the heavy metal buckle in the air.

Yes. that would work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe, I keep adding to this...  
> Thank you for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TY, BuckyAboveEverything, for the speedy beta! Lob you!! <3

Steve always cried; it was like a dam breaking open. It was as if Steve hadn’t cried since 1944 or maybe even 1923, who knew with him. Tony hated it but it seemed like Steve needed it. It almost didn't even matter what Tony did. Steve just took it, took it all, and whether he endured it or enjoyed it; in the end, he always cried.

Once, Tony tried to not let it get that far but Steve had stomped away after blowing his load.  
That was the time Tony’s vision blurred and he never tried it again.

“Please,” Steve managed to say this time too, even though his teeth were clenched around a bit gag. He sounded wrecked but nowhere near where he should be, so Tony just hummed. He wanted to pet Steve’s hair but that would only get him an annoyed grunt before he pulled away.

They were on the floor as usual, and both naked. Steve’s arms were uncomfortably fastened above him and to ground him more, Tony was sitting on his thighs. The blindfold was a simple scarf and the gag was in no way fastened to Steve’s head. Steve was holding it in just because Tony had told him to. And wasn’t that a power trip?

“Please,” Steve repeated.

“Not yet,” Tony asserted, swatting Steve’s weeping cock. “Want more pain instead?”

“No,” Steve said, just as his body kept saying yes, yes, yes, now! Just like Tony’s was.

“I should tie you down more often,” Tony mused between bites and licks on Steve’s torso. “You look nice trussed up like this, with the cheap hard rope chafing into your lily-white skin.”

He pressed down on Steve’s biceps so that they strained at the wrists fastened to the strong steel headboard. He bit one nipple, pulled on it, let go. Then the other one. In reply, Steve was biting his lip and holding back noises. His eyes were tightly shut and his body was racked with shivers of pleasure. Maybe pain.

At that precise moment, Tony was the king of Steve’s whole world. The only time he was.  
“Turn around,” he grunted.

Tony pinched Steve’s tender skin on his side. A shiver of want and excitement, of possession, went through Tony when he saw the freshly welted back. The marks were slowly turning black and blue already; it must have hurt to lie on them while Tony had tortured his chest.

The dull metal base of a plug was protruding obscenely between Steve’s buttocks and Tony hit it with the heel of his palm; a sharp, unexpected jab. Steve yelped.  
Tony hummed, bent down, opened his mouth wide and pressed his teeth around a large chunk of Steve’s ass cheek and bit. Hard.

Steve screamed.

“You didn’t drop the gag, did you?” Tony asked, already knowing the answer. “You know what I have to do now, right?”

“Fuck off.”

Tony chuckled and bit down on the skin just under the other buttock. Steve screamed again and Tony hummed.

“Well, I guess I prefer you more vocal anyway.” He smacked at the base of the plug again. “But you’ll not escape the punishment regardless.”

“Shut up and fuck me already,” Steve said harshly.

“Hm.” Tony hit the plug again but this time Steve just grunted. “Well… You’re the hole, aren’t you?”

Steve shuddered and stifled a moan.

Tony grasped the plug and tugged. It had been inside for a while by then, so Tony had to work to get it out.

“Boring. Your slutty hole is utterly boring,” Tony said at one point, stopped what he was doing and grabbed at Steve’s cock hanging down between his legs. Squeezed it painfully, then tugged at the balls.

Steve gasped and tried to buck into Tony’s touch, then pulled away.

“Ah, that’s interesting. Any idea what you actually want? Do you? Don't worry, I’ll decide for you.”

Tony jerked the plug from side to side, then pinched several welts in random order and Steve was shaking and whimpering under him. His cock was leaking through.

“Your tiny little clit at least likes what I’m doing,” Tony observed. He rolled the rubber on himself and poked at Steve’s balls. “But boring for me.”

Steve ignored the lie and Tony spanked his bottom with a paddle, not paying attention to whether it hit the plug or the balls.

Then he jerked himself off for a couple of times, but the condom was dulling the sensation more than he liked so he turned his attention back to the plug.

“So… what do you think? Should I fuck you with it or just pull it out and take you?”

Without waiting for an answer, Tony pulled.

Steve screamed.

Sometimes Steve just wanted to be a hole. Just something to be used and discarded, and even though this wasn't what Tony wanted, he’d always give Steve his all. Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must admit that I've started to like it now, Loran, so you're stuck with it now, I'm afraid. I am *compelled*. XD
> 
> BuckyAboveEverything - THANK YOU!! <3
> 
> Also...
> 
> Dear SexFiend,
> 
> If you are here for smut and smut only, feel free to skip this chapter. There is s/D and a bit of sexy, but unfortunately, this is less smut and more reflection. But you can definitely take a look at the next chapter, I promise there's more smut to be had there.  
> Thank you for clicking on my story, regardless. <3
> 
> Your author,  
> Fellow SexFiend ;)

Tony made a spreadsheet. It was simplistic and almost not worthy of its name. More like a list rather. At the top, there were things he liked the best and at the bottom, the least. What made the table fun though, was the column on the right- Steve’s column. Weirdly, the things that Tony loved the most were the things that Steve hated and that… was the main reason they both enjoyed these encounters. The second common denominator was pain. Steve needed it and he could take a lot.

He looked at the table and added the new item- the hairbrush. Tony loved it and Steve hated it, so lately he’d taken to spanking Steve with it everywhere - even his stomach. Tony suspected that he mostly felt it was humiliating and maybe not painful enough. Tony, on the other hand, loved the patterns he could leave on Steve’s skin with it. The way Steve squealed when he hit his exposed armpits or balls with it too.

Oh, who was Steve trying to fool? He loved it too.

The thing Steve abso-fucking-lutely hated, was tickling. He never openly squirmed. He never started laughing. If one didn’t know him well enough, one could even believe that Steve wasn’t ticklish but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. He was extremely ticklish, but stoically, throughout the process, he didn’t move a muscle, closed his eyes and pressed his lips tight, so as not to give the game away.

He couldn't hide it though, not from Tony. His body was taut, his skin blotchy red and after a while, fat beads of sweat appeared on his temples. He looked fetching and the stubborn way he refused to safeword made Tony all tingly inside.

The first time they did it, Steve safeworded but Tony didn’t let him live it down, so now Steve was bending over backwards to prove that he could do it. Well, the joke was on him. Tony could take it; Steve couldn’t.

He suffered beautifully.

Tonight, Tony tied Steve down spreadeagled, kissed him on the cheek (Steve didn’t allow kissing on the mouth before he was absolutely out of it and never after), and held out a large fluffy feather. He put the TV on, turned the volume low and sat down next to Steve. He started with trailing it over Steve’s body in wide sweeps everywhere, then concentrated his attention on his hot spots. Tony watched TV, worked with his dominant hand and Steve endured. Tony didn’t even take his clothes off for this. Usually, watching Steve suffer so beautifully, made him hard and at some point, he brought himself off. Sometimes he spilled on Steve's face and let it dry there to see his lasting and deepening embarrassment which made his cock leak and distracted him from the torture.

That was something for Tony.

With tickling, it took ages for Steve to get to where he needed to be, and the first two times he cussed Tony out for being an idiot and insisted that it wouldn’t work and they should stop, but when the safeword still wasn't forthcoming, Tony just gagged him and kept on.

“You like being forced, darling. So I’m forcing you. This. You’ll take this and not get off, but you will cry. I promise you that.”

Tony was patient. And Steve was stubborn, but inevitably, tears started trickling through the tightly-shut eyelids. It didn’t take long for it to turn into a torrential wave then, and soon, came the inevitable sob. Tony waved the stupid feather over the inside of his thighs a couple of times more until it was clear that Steve couldn’t stop. Then he lay down on Steve and held him.

This was his favorite part because most of the time, Steve let Tony kiss him after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you still read it, let me know how you liked it. I love feedback. Too maudlin?
> 
> And I have an announcement: I take requests now. If there's a particular kink you'd like to read about, I'm ready to explore it for you. I can't promise to definitely write it or be good at it, but I'd love to try?  
> I only don't do any type of age play and permanent disfigurement. Also, keep in mind that Tony loves Steve.
> 
> Loran, this especially goes for you - want to read a kink? I'd love to write a shortie on that :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a bit smutty again, but I can't stay away from the feels. So sorry.  
> I hope you'll enjoy still. <3

“Does it hurt when I bite you?” Tony uttered with a dark promise in his voice. “Like this?” He kissed Steve’s throat and bit it after, licked and bit another spot. “Or maybe here?” He added a hard bite just under the previous spot and Steve jerked. “Or maybe here is better?” Tony went back to the first red splotch and bit it again. Sucked. Steve keened.

Tony swiped his finger over Steve’s hole and hummed. For a second or two, he fingered Steve dry but it would be painful for Tony to fuck him like this, so mercifully, he added lube.

“Ready?” Tony asked after some cursory prep.

The ‘no’ in Steve’s headshake was weaker than half an hour ago, and it hadn’t held any meaning since forever, so Tony only grinned. Steve was lying face down over a padded fucking bench, his hands tied to its front, and for Tony's pleasure, there was a wall-to-wall mirror before them.

"Cute little hole you've got there," Tony said, pretending to observe it.

He rubbed it with his thumb and Steve tried lifting it higher for him.

Steve's feet were tied low to the sides of the bench but slightly forward so that his ass was dangling a little uncomfortably for him but gave easy access to Tony. So, he took advantage of the position and swatted Steve's butt to see his hard cock dangle and sway in the air.

"Pretty," Tony said dismissively.

"Fuck you," Steve hissed.

In the mirror, the burning need in Steve’s eyes belied all his objections, and the way his hungry gaze followed Tony’s every movement, made Tony shiver.

Tony took the leather cat-o-nine in hand, stepped back and raised his hand in preparation.

"I see you need some persuasion," Tony said. "Thank you, Steve. I think I will enjoy it."

It took him a bit to make them both sweat, the rising welts pretty on Steve's body, but now at least they were ready.

“Come on!” Steve ordered breathlessly when Tony dropped the whip and was massaging his tired shoulder. The workout had been thorough and the warmth of satisfaction was sitting deep in Tony's chest. Grinned.

“Yes, yes, yes,” Tony said impatiently, getting the condom out of his pocket and biting the corner off a foil packet. “Let’s get the stopper out.”

An hour later, Tony fucked him with a dildo, plugged him up again and went to do a… thing. His thing. Because Steve was a hole again and Tony was trying to see if ignoring Steve would work. It did, especially if he added a blindfold and earplugs. Another hour later, when Steve was getting restless again, Tony put his palms on his injured back and put a healing cream on it. Then he inserted the vibrator plug and that worked even better. After that, Tony worked his hole over with a bottle and when Steve was whimpering with pain and lust, Tony got it up himself again and fucked him as roughly as he enjoyed himself. Steve moaned his thank-you through all the fuckings and squirmed in between. Tony plugged him up for a short break and then took a cane to him.

It took him three strikes before Steve started sobbing.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three people have betaed it which means that I've totally and absolutely abused my friends Bae, Tig and Juni.
> 
> I'm so terribly sorry!! :O

The crack of the bullwhip against the floor tiles startled Steve and Tony’s hands started to tremble. He took a breath and repeated the motion.

“Please,” Steve uttered.

“With pleasure.”

Tony brought his hand up and Steve visibly tensed.

_ That’s not what I want, _ Tony thought.  _ I can’t. _

Well, that was not new information. Tony didn’t want to do it. Hadn’t for a while now. Some impact play was one thing, but what they were doing… wasn’t that. Tony just wanted his own clothes off and in a bed, their hands on each other. Not that the position Steve was currently in wasn’t alluring. Steve’s pleas were making it hard for him to think, though.

"Please," Steve repeated. "Please, Tony."

But neither of their needs were being met. Not really.

“Tony?” Steve’s voice was tense and there was an annoyed edge to his voice.

“No.” Tony lowered his hand. “No,” he repeated more quietly.

“What?” Steve shifted in his bonds, turning his head to see Tony, but being tethered to the St. Andrew’s cross hindered him somewhat.

“I thought that I could do it, Steve, but I can’t. I’m sorry.” Something in his voice must’ve conveyed how serious he was because instead of his usual huff, Steve stilled. Tony continued, “I thought that in the absence of the other, this would do. I don’t think I can help you anymore.”

Steve didn’t answer, so Tony just walked to the shelf and put the whip away.

“What?” Steve croaked.

"I'm done hurting you." His fingers still trembling, Tony started untying Steve. "I'm sorry, but I don’t think this is working for me anymore.” Tony crouched to undo the last knot at Steve’s right ankle. “All that this arrangement has done so far is hurt me," he finished.

Tony got up and went to gather his jacket. He couldn't raise his eyes at Steve, who was now getting down from the dais, undoubtedly a frown of bewilderment on his handsome face. Maybe guilt. Tony didn't care. Couldn’t.

"Hurt… you?" There was astonishment, outrage and pain in Steve's voice, but Tony ignored it.

"I’m done," Tony finished, replying to his own internal monologue.

"What?" Just astonishment now. Maybe shock.

Getting his clothes in order, Tony didn't answer. 

"Tony?"

"Done."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now I'm sorry for the cliffhanger!!  
> I'm terrible!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Juni and Bae for the speedy beta job. You are awesome!! :D

"Wait, wait, wait— no, Tony, you can’t just leave it at that!” Steve, still naked, was now standing between Tony and the door, a frown of desperate determination focused on Tony's face. “You're done? Why? How?" Stepping closer, Steve put his hand on Tony’s shoulder and his voice unbearably soft, repeated, "Why?"

Turning his face away, as if he could hide the wet shine of his eyes, Tony thought that he should say something, a clever joke, a logical argument— something. He wished he could just leave, but Steve’s other hand rose to his cheek, palming it and Tony closed his eyes, feeling gently tethered to the man in front of him by an invisible cord of imagined emotion.

"It was never about trust, Steve. Not for me. I've always trusted you."

"You have?"

His eyes still closed, Tony nodded.

"What… what was it about then?"

Steve sounded lost, so lost... just as when he'd cried the first few times they scened properly together.

"Tony?"

Tony swallowed. He knew that what he was going to do would hurt him and Steve both. He opened his eyes and whispered, "Forgiveness."

A quiet spread throughout the room. Deafening silence that closed Tony’s throat and made his lungs burn. He heard Steve take a deep breath as if to speak and jerked his head away from the touch.

“Don’t.” Tony lowered his gaze and looked down at their feet: Steve’s straight naked ones, Tony’s leather-clad. Why couldn’t — wouldn’t Tony’s just  _ move? _

"But, Tony.”

Steve’s voice was persuasive, imploring, but nothing got to Tony more than the slight tremble to his uttered name. “There's nothing to forgive! And what little there might have been, I've forgiven you a long ago." The desperate urgency almost made Tony believe. "I promise you, Tony, I don't blame you!"

Right. He felt his future trickling through his fingers like sand in the desert. There was so much that possessing any of it was meaningless.

"I know, Steve," he replied. “Believe me, I know.”

"You do-? But then why… Tony?"

Tony raised his eyes. "I know you’ve forgiven me, Steve. It’s not me you blame. It’s you. And whatever I’m doing, it's not helping—”

"No, you're wrong!” Steve interrupted eagerly. “It is helping, Tony! You are helping, I promise you! I've-"

"All I’ve done is helped you to punish yourself, Steve. Not forgive." Finally finding the strength to step back, Tony walked around Steve and towards the door.

“I love you!”

The words stopped Tony in the tracks. “What?” He must have misheard — Steve couldn't have just said… He turned around. “You don’t mean that, do you? I mean… you shouldn’t say things like that in such a context.”

Heart in his throat, Tony frowned: Steve’s eyes were burning in his face, his mouth in a firm line.

“I love you,” Steve repeated determinedly. “I know that it’s unwelcome, but that’s the truth and I think you should know all the facts before walking out of here.”

“Oh.” Tony gaped. “That’s not something my exes usually say,” he mumbled.

“Sorry.” Steve’s mulish facial expression didn’t change.

“No, you’re not,” Tony countered.

Steve’s nod was but a short jerk. “No, I’m not,” he agreed.

Tony took a deep breath. “Good.” His legs were suddenly wobbly under him and he went to sit down on the huge bed in the middle of the room. “So that’s why… Or did you—? I’m sorry, I’m a little confused.”

Steve grimaced, glanced back at the door as if checking whether his door guarding duties were required or not, and moved to his pile of clothes on the chair and started dressing.

“Confused about what?” he asked, pulling his trousers up.

“About what all of this was. You were, in fact, punishing yourself, yes?”

Steve hummed in agreement.

“And not once did you stop to think that it might feel like a punishment for me too?” Tony asked, looking like an obsessed hawk at every movement Steve made, trying to puzzle out the impossible man in front of him.

“What?” Steve croaked, as his head snapped back up. Very deliberately, he stood up, finished fastening his pants button and still bare-chested, tilted his head to stare back at Tony. “Is that what it felt like for you? I thought you liked it...”

Tony shrugged. “Well. I did. But then again… Imagine how would you feel if I asked you to scene with me and then just made you hurt me over and over again, crying every time and not looking much happier for it?”

Steve swallowed. “It does give me calm for a little while,” Steve insisted, but he didn’t sound very convinced anymore.

“It does?” Tony scooted a bit farther back on the bed and looked Steve over. “But you still look miserable most of the time.”

“That’s because I love you and you…”

Tony rolled his eyes and Steve frowned as if uncomprehending.

“Steve,” Tony whispered.

Rapidly blinking, Steve’s mouth opened and closed. “What?” he said so quietly that it barely carried on the air, the soundwaves almost not reaching Tony’s ears.

“The most popular word of this half-brained conversation,” Tony muttered, looking away for just a second. “And how exactly, over all this time, have you still not figured out that I love you too?” he added more loudly and joked weakly, "Why else would I put up with you?”

“For the… kink?” Steve said, but he clearly understood.

Tony snorted. “Yeah, okay. Admittedly that part was great. Most of the time. Especially the temperature play. And the belt. It’s a great workout.”

Almost smiling, Steve stepped closer. “The workout? That’s what you are going with?”

Tony couldn’t help the twitch in his own lips. He put one hand on Steve’s neck and cupped his cheek with the other. I’m gonna enjoy the workouts. Steve’s eyes shine as they close the distance and finally... kiss.

  
  


**The end**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it folks. :)  
> Let me know if you enjoyed. <3


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